Macbeth: A new tragedy
by the monkey smurf
Summary: Modern day satire of macbeth, piece of english I had to do. Please R&R. Enjoy!


Macbeth  
  
He laid down his mobile phone, joyous in the knowledge he had just completed another hostile take-over. He picked up his discarded phone and rang his wife, who promised to arrange an impromptu celebration holiday. Just then, someone knocked on his door and in came his business partner, Lionel Banquo. "A job well done Mr. Macbeth, congratulations." "Please, call me Alistair, we have worked together long enough to at least be on first name terms." "Yes, Mr., I mean Alistair. I wanted to ask if you ever found out who was leaking the project information? Mr. Duncan was less than enamoured when he found out Oscorp knew all our experiment results." "We'll never know. Anyway, forget that. My wife has organised a little break for us, and I was wondering if you wanted to come with us? It would be nice for you to meet her. Bring Fleance as well, it will be brilliant." "Well thank you for the invite, I'll ring you tomorrow."  
  
"Could we not have flown to somewhere closer, you know I hate planes." His pleading fell on deaf ears as they were in the hotel already, there was no point arguing. "What's so good about Thailand anyway? All they have are souvenirs and fortune tellers." "Well buy some souvenirs and get your fortune read then, we're only here for a few days." Macbeth stalked away, leaving his wife by the pool. He was used to this bossiness and almost needed it, being an indecisive husband by nature. This betrayed his reputation as a fierce negotiator and respected Director of SuperSoft. As he walked round the local market, he found himself drawn to a small hut on the side of the road. "Lapis Fortune Tellers" he read out aloud, and was shocked when someone said, "Oh, I didn't know you were here." Banquo observed the bemused face of his friend amusedly. When another voice spoke, he was the one to jump. "Would you like a fortune reading?" "We are very accurate" "We see good things, if you will only listen, you shall receive them." The men looked round startled at the ugly and strange sights before them. "If you must," they consented.  
  
After, some revered silence and the summoning of Hecate, they spoke. "All hail Macbeth, Hail to thee, Director of SuperSoft." "All hail Macbeth, Hail to thee, CEO of SuperSoft." "All hail Macbeth, Hail to thee, that shalt be Chairman thereafter." Macbeth, looked dazed for some while after, but Banquo, keen to find out his promotion prospects, asked of his future. He was answered, being told Fleance would go to Cambridge, and become the Chairman of SuperSoft. "By Sinel's sacking, I am a Director, but the CEO lives, a more ruthless and wealthy man than me. And Duncan is always pledging his company to his sons. How do you know such tidings, oh weird things?"  
  
On the way home Macbeth's mobile went off causing him severe shock and releasing him from the almost comatose state he had been in since the Fortune-Tellers. "Hi Alistair, its me, Angus. I need to tell you that you've been promoted. We found out who was leaking the project info, and it was the CEO, Jimmy. Duncan thinks you should be promoted so you are the new CEO, well done. By the way, I heard about the take-over, congratulations, very impressive." Banquo and Macbeth just looked at each other and were on edge all the way back.  
  
Macbeth got back to the hotel to find his wife gone home for a family emergency of some kind. He took out his trusty laptop and wrote her an email telling her of the good news. His wife on receiving the letter accidentally activated the digital camera, so the entire world, (or at least everyone on www.thelifeofasupersoftdirector.com), saw her plead with the voodoo forces to make her evil. Their fun was halted when the servant came in. "The Chairman is coming here tonight, and Mr. Macbeth is coming back today as well. By the way do you want that camera turned off?" The servant turned off the camera, and was duly beaten up by the other servants for halting their fun. The servants were hungry for more scandal, so they sneaked into the air vent on top of the bedroom and watched Lady Macbeth plot a murder and plead to be "un-sexed." The uncontrollable laughter this incited was impossible to stifle and Lady Macbeth fired the lot of them later that evening.  
  
On returning home, Macbeth was surprised to see legions of servants leaving the house and swearing at the windows, but when he entered the bedroom his wife's face told him not to ask. Lady Macbeth ordered him to shoot Duncan that night, after she had drugged the servants. Macbeth looked shell- shocked, so much so that his wife didn't let him greet Duncan and his inevitable entourage. Macbeth listened to Duncan's flattering words from the stairs and started to have second thoughts. When his wife told him to make an appearance at dinner, he told her of his doubts. In her condescending way, Lady Macbeth assured him they were fine.  
  
When Macbeth crept out of bed, he was perturbed to hear voices in the courtyard. When he investigated he realised it was only Banquo and his son, and he sent them back to bed. Macbeth then saw a gun in front of him, pointing to Duncan's room. He recognised it as his Colt .45, and when he tried to confront it, it swung away, but then swung back, hitting him on the head and giving him a headache. He looked up dazed, to see his former servant laughing at him and dangling the gun with a fishing rod, from a wall above the courtyard.  
  
He crept into the hallway leading to Duncan's room. He knew he did not have to fear the servants, as Lady Macbeth had loaded their beers with Nytol, and anyway they were knackered having had to take on their own duties, and that of Macbeth's former servants who had been summarily dismissed. He slipped into the room and had to pick himself up off the floor. Then in the most literal case of overkill, blew Duncan away with a double-barrel shotgun, (Although Macbeth, having been in the army, knew this was a bad move, his Colt handgun had been taken by his servant so he had little other choice).  
  
When he got back, he told his wife the good news. Then he told her how he would probably need counselling for what he just did. They both fell asleep, but Macbeth was restless. This wasn't helped when he heard someone creeping around his room, and was startled to find his wife waving the shotgun around. "You fool, you brought the gun back here. You better take it back, otherwise any idiot will guess it was us, especially with ballistic tests." She stalked out of the room mumbling, and on her way to put the gun on Duncan's servant's lap. When she got back, Macbeth had just settled down to sleep, but this was soon disturbed when the doorbell rang. Macbeth woke up startled and knocked the alarm clock off the table. He went down to get the door, but found no one there, and an unprintable note from the disgruntled servant that took the gun. He went back to bed, but was soon awoken by another doorbell, this one more impatient and hurried than before. Just when he was going to get up again (carrying another shotgun, and looking cross), his wife woke up and hit him. "Leave it. It looks a bit suspicious if were awake at six in the morning. And put the gun down, you could kill someone with that."  
  
One of the remaining servants was woken up by a sharp ringing. He stumbled to his feet, drunk as a newt, and staggered towards the door. He opened it and saw two of the SuperSoft Directors, Macduff and Lennox at the door looking expectant. "What do you want? You have no idea how hung-over I am." "We are here to wake the Chairman, and if you're drunk, you're likely to be fired by your master," answered Macduff. "Doesn't really take much," he muttered.  
  
Macduff wandered off towards Duncan's room. As soon as he saw the bloody mess, he thought that it must have been an amateur gunman. After all, only a consummate idiot would use a shotgun from that range. With that thought he realised Duncan was actually dead and whipped out his mobile. Sending a text message to Macbeth quickly, he notified him of the murder. Macduff was somewhat surprised when he heard the noise confirming a received text message and Macbeth standing at the doorway. "I do live here you know. You could have just woken me u.AAAHH. What the hell happened to Duncan?" "Well he's dead," answered Macduff "Well done Sherlock, I mean what messy moron did this." Lennox entered and answered. "Well the guards are covered in blood, they're drunk and delusional and they were a bit cross over the amount of work they had last night." Macbeth stormed out into he corridors and with more subtlety than his last murder, stabbed the two sleeping guards outside Duncan's door. "What the hell was.uhhh," were his last words. "What the hell was that for, we could have questioned him," scolded Macduff, "Moron" he muttered. "Shut up," said Macbeth secretly pleased having not thought of that until then, having only murdered the guards as they had drunk his best beer. Lady Macbeth was silently collapsing in the corner with astonishment at her husband's stupidity, and passed it off as a faint. As she was helped to her room, the assorted members of SuperSoft decided to get changed.  
  
As they left, Duncan's sons crept from their rooms, discussing what they should do. "Everyone will think it was us. I think we should split up. I'll go to Microsoft, Bill Gates knows me." "What??!!" replied Donalbain, slightly incredulous, "I'll go to Oscorp, I went to school with Norman Osbourne, it's worth a try." With that, they crept out of the hall, but then straightened up, realising there was no one to creep away from.  
  
Outside, Ross was talking to the formerly drunken porter, who was now sober, having had coffee, and being slapped a few times by Ross. He was telling how some strange things had happened earlier. Apparently, the Chairman's favourite limousine had gone on a rampage flattening every other car in sight. "THEY LEFT!?" a voice on the inside boomed. "I'll talk to you later, better go now."  
  
"Who? What? Where? When?" came the hurried voice of Lennox. "Duncan's kids have gone, fled," replied Macduff. "They probably bribed the guards themselves." "Well of course they've gone, I let them out myself. Malcolm had this slightly dented limousine, but Donalbain's car was ruined. As if someone had gone nuts and just attacked it." came Ross' answer. "This is what happens. I'm going to go home, and Alistair, you are the Chairman from now on. Go and email the Labs, then go to Forres, Duncan's house. It's the only way you can tell the shareholders."  
  
Banquo was sitting alone on his chair, smoking a cigarette and murmuring to himself. Suddenly his eyebrows would raise and he would look like he had discovered a brilliant idea, but this look would fade as he realised the flaw in his plans. (Case in point: He drew designs of an underwater helicopter. A bit of a death trap but the spark was there. It went out quickly, (presumably when testing the underwater side of his idea). And then, against all odds, he worked it out. He said out loud to himself, "Director, CEO, and Chairman. Just as they said. The late night walk on the night of the murder. The blood, the killing of the servants. It was all a cover. He did it. But then what about Fleance, and my descendants." With that, he went back to murmuring with the odd fake inspiration.  
  
"A feast tonight. All the staff are coming. You must come." Said Macbeth to Banquo. "I will come, but I must visit someone, I will be back in time with Fleance." On that note, Banquo turned to leave before Macbeth told him how Duncan's sons had fled, and that this proved they were guilty. When Banquo left, Macbeth hired a comedian to keep the crowd amused. Outside, Macbeth approached two men walking together. He pointed to Banquo and said, "Neither he nor his companion should survive." "What's that booing I can hear?" "Actually before you go, could you kill the man on stage inside as well. Here's an extra hundred pounds for your troubles." The murderers stalked off and Macbeth went to his study and picked up his phone. Then he called his contact in the palace and ordered him to delete all history of Duncan's murder file, to avoid an investigation. As persuasion, he promised not to murder the contact, a good deal all round.  
  
While Macbeth was ordering the clear up of the comedian's body, (amid cheers), his wife pulled him aside and told him to at least pretend to be happy. Macbeth replied cryptically, hinting at the murder of Banquo, and then smiling, thinking he was being clever. "You've arranged Banquo's murder, haven't you? Don't even try, you're the most unsubtle man in the world, I can read you like a book." Macbeth walked away looking humiliated and crestfallen. He vowed to never try and be clever again, not realising the irony that he was never clever before.  
  
At the North Circular, Banquo noticed a sinister black car behind him. He pulled out and into a side street, but the car just blocked him in from one side, and then an ice-cream van, which he would never have expected, went to block the other side. The men managed to kill Banquo, but in their idiocy, forgot about Fleance. Using a technique he learnt in football, Fleance ran up to the first man, elbowed him in the face, and then stepped on his knee. He then jumped in the ice-cream truck and sped (or trundled) away to safety.  
  
Macbeth was just beginning to enjoy dinner when one of his murderers came up to him, with a slight limp and a bandaged nose and knee, to talk to him. "Did you do it? It looks like you got taken apart from here." The murderer replied slightly nasally, "We killed Banquo, but his son must play football for Wimbledon, because he was vicious." "Well you may go, then. Oh hi, what do you want?" Macbeth turned to his wife, who was looking cross. "This is a banquet not a funeral, entertain, talk, do something." As Macbeth walked back to his seat, he couldn't find it. Every seat was taken. When Lennox pointed to a seat, Macbeth nearly fainted with shock. In his seat sat Banquo, bloodied face, and gashed head. Macbeth stared in horror at the ghost of Banquo and started muttering about an evil spirit. Lady Macbeth got up and started telling everyone that her husband had an illness.  
  
Just then, a scream was heard and a man fell from the upstairs balcony of the dining room, holding a small projector. This projector, now facing the wall also showed the image of Banquo. It emerged that the other men could not see the hologram because the table was flat and the hologram was thin. When the man was rolled over, it was the troublesome former servant of Macbeth, and this time Macbeth had him sentenced to death.  
  
As the couple got ready for bed, Macbeth asked his wife where Macduff was. She told him Macduff had rejected the invitation and stayed at home. Macbeth decided to send another invitation to Macduff and go and speak to the fortune-tellers again, via satellite.  
  
The three fortune-tellers sat in their small hut and cowered beneath the storm inside the room. Out of it emerged the chief of them all, Hecate. She scolds them for not involving her in their manipulation of Macbeth. She tells them to cast spells on him to make him think he is secure in his position. With that Hecate left, floating off imperiously, with the other three giving her mutinous looks.  
  
After a board meeting, which involved nothing but the weekly crushing of a small business, Lennox met one of SuperSoft's minor programmers, but who had a reputation of knowing everything about everyone. As they talked about the recent events, Lennox mentioned that he thought Duncan's sons had a part in the murder, to which he got the reply, "Sherlock Holmes, how did you think of that one?" "I dislike your flippancy, you are fired. As a severance package, you can have these small but profitable businesses in Millwall. Good day." After this, the programmer took his time getting cleared up, during this time Lennox was holding a similar conversation with an even lesser member of Supersoft, (the janitor), but half way through a sentence he was interrupted. "Sorry to interrupt Sir, but I do not know about these things. That man over there is the man to talk to." With that, he gestured towards the fired programmer, now grinning smugly. Lennox held the same conversation yet again, but did not say anything that would make him look a fool. As a consequence, he was almost completely silent, but during the conversation it emerged that Lennox did not suspect Macbeth, and even that Fleance might be responsible for Banquo's death. Macduff's name is also mentioned as being out of favour with the Chairman due to his rejection of the banquet invitation, and his badly disguised misgivings about Macbeth's rise to power in the company. The now re- employed programmer also tells Lennox that Malcolm has been welcomed at Microsoft, and even Macduff has gone to Bill Gates in a plea for help. Macbeth meanwhile has been preparing for war.  
  
The three fortune-tellers, having been upgraded to a cave with all facilities, stood around a large screen, connected to a powerful Computer. Each witch took a turn typing in what she wanted, and soon the potion was complete. Then Hecate appeared who promised them a better PC, a bigger cave, and even a larger screen if they could get this job right, (Hecate knew this was a safe bet, as the odds of this happening were slimmer than the hologram of Banquo at Macbeth's feast). Macbeth was soon talking to them over the Internet, and he demanded to see his future. The fortune-tellers, unimpressed by his arrogance, cut him off, until he came back grovelling. They sent him three email video clips, all of which contained cryptic clues about his future.  
  
The first one had the filename: "leastsubtle.avi". When opened it contained a helmeted head, with a symbol patently copied from Macduff's family emblem. The fortune-tellers were forward thinking, and knowing Macbeth wasn't too bright, they put subtitles at the bottom telling him to beware Macduff. The next vision was entitled: "caesarean.mpg". This also had a clip, but it was a baby covered in blood. Knowing Macbeth didn't have a hope in hell of working this one out, the subtitles now read, "Anyone born during a traumatic delivery with complications, will not harm Macbeth." This reassured Macbeth, as he knew that in Britain, the NHS did not know what a smooth delivery was. The last vision had the tag: "deforestation.divx" It involved a child holding a branch, that was strangely labelled, "property of Birnam Wood". Then the clip panned back, to show Dunsinane hill, on which Macbeth's house could be seen. Another thing Macbeth noticed was a strange figure with a spray can. On closer inspection, it was the servant who bore a grudge against Macbeth, and for some reason, was not decapitated as Macbeth had ordered.  
  
Macbeth stepped out of the room feeling invincible, but this was short-lived when he saw a piece of paper on the floor. His picture was at the top, but afterwards was a long line of men all sharing a large nose and prominent ears. This he realised these must be Banquo's descendants destined to be Chairmen. Outside, feeling slightly less sure of himself, he was met by Lennox. Lennox told him that Macduff had gone to England, which put Macbeth in a bad mood. Picking up the nearest weapon in a rage (his water pistol), he stormed into his car and drove off to Macduff's house muttering. When he got there, he broke the door down and screamed at Macduff's wife and child. This incoherent noise was stopped when he was asked what he was doing there. He just answered, "To kill you." With that he whipped out the water pistol and fired. Macduff's wife and child found this so funny, they collapsed with laughter, but fell over each other and hit their heads on the hard floor. They sadly died of head injuries, but their deaths, although unwarranted, happened in the middle of a fit of hilarity, and it was not the worst way to go, grinning like a Cheshire Cat.  
  
Meanwhile, at Microsoft, Macduff was encouraging Malcolm to take back the company that was his. Malcolm, being smarter than he looked, knew that a test of loyalty was required. He told Macduff that there were many reasons he would not make a good chairman. When asked what they were, Malcolm took out a Christmas Card he had once received, and showed Macduff the message inside. When Macduff proclaimed Supersoft could not be his employer if Macbeth was chairman, he realised that Macduff would be loyal to him. He explained the nature of the test to him, and had to quickly hide the card he had shown, as that was very real. Ross entered but by the look on his face, they knew he had bad news. Ross told Macduff of the murder of his entire family and his pet monkey. Macduff's fury made him determined to kill Macbeth  
  
In the middle of the night, Lady Macbeth starts to sleepwalk but walks into a wall and stumbles back to bed. After seeing this, a servant calls a doctor, and the physician observes her behaviour with a maidservant. Lady Macbeth got up and went into the bathroom. Due to the lack of servants in her house, there was no soap there, so the only liquid was water or toothpaste. Lady Macbeth kept chronically washing her hands with the toothpaste, but she was heard to mutter, "Damned servants, where's the soap." Then, Lady Macbeth confessed to the entire murder and the subsequent plots in her sleep. The doctor after hearing this, left some powerful sedatives for her and made his way out of the house quickly.  
  
In the countryside near Dunsinane, many SuperSoft nobles were talking about the situation and preparing to meet Macduff and Malcolm. A letter had been passed round them all, saying: "I know in this day and age, we shouldn't be fighting a war the old- fashioned way, but we might as well, considering none of us have had a good fight in ages. Good luck, From Macduff"  
  
"Sir, the Microsoft Army are advancing towards us, ten thousand men led by Macduff and Malcolm." "Oh well, it's not like they can do anything to me. We all know that anyone born in a healthy and normal delivery cannot harm me. Know you of anyone like this?" The servant looked at his shoes. Macbeth vaguely recognised him as someone he had seen at SuperSoft, often seen talking to people about other people. "No, Sir, but I did hear something interesting about Mac..." "Silence! These movements are irrelevant. You may go. Send my armour- bearer though. I must dispose of these morons. Also, I want to see the doctor tending my wife." "Yes Sir."  
  
Soon enough the doctor appeared in the room, looking nervous. Macbeth asked him of the troubles with his wife. The doctor replied, "She has Paranoid Schizophrenia." Macbeth, being uneducated in this filed, (or any other field), had to ask what he meant. "She is as insane as a man forced to watch that moronic comedian you employed the other night." "Oh, God have mercy! Can't you do anything to help her?" "Well. I would need to go to a, um, medical conference about Paranoid Schizophrenia. It's in Australia. I will leave at once."  
  
Malcolm led his army into Birnam Wood. His army had learnt that Macbeth's armies were reluctant fighters, whose numbers had dwindled. As a disguise they had hacked down half of Birnam Wood, and taken the branches to Dunsinane. It was a cunning plan, marred only by the fact that the council was on their case for deforestation. The men were in good spirits, but this was mainly down to the money they were getting for doing what they were doing.  
  
"Sir I've got some good news and some bad news. The good news is that your wife won't be sleepwalking again. The bad news is that she's dead." "I dislike your flippancy almost as much as I hate liars. Bring me other news, I like not this news." "Sir I have got some good news, your wife is not dead, but lives in perfect sanity." "I dislike your lies, you are fired!" "But, Sir!" With that the servant spat at Macbeth, and stalked out but not before taking £100,000 in cash and breaking some vases. This was a slick move considering the money was in a safe protected by machine guns, a laser and a spiked floor, and that Macbeth did not notice anything. Just then the fired servant rushed back in saying "Sir, I have news that signifies your downfall! But I will only tell you if you re-hire me." After fervent nodding by Macbeth, the slave told him how Birnam wood seemed to have moved to Dunsinane. "Oh yeah, Malcolm's army seemed to be trying to hide under the branches as well. Unsubtle idiots." "Men! Put on your armour, we shall go to war!"  
  
"Siward, you and your men shall strike first, followed by mine and then Malcolm's. Sound the trumpets, we shall fight to the death, or until a decent offer of money is made in settlement!" With that Macduff played a harsh note on his trumpet and left. Amid the chaos that usually occurs with war, Macbeth was having a whale of a time. Every man that came at him seemed to be dumber than the last. Knowing how honourable Macduff was, his men were fighting with swords. Macbeth meanwhile was just firing off round after round from his trusty shotgun. But then he was surprised when his least favourite ex- servant appeared holding the stolen handgun. Macbeth fired two rounds at his head, but after hitting, the wounds healed astonishingly quickly, and he fought on. "Who are you, why won't you die?" "My name is Captain Scarlet, Spectrum. I am indestructible apart from a double barrel shotgun shooing me in the third toe of my left foot." With Macbeth holding his gun down while talking (such was the polite way of speaking) a terrible stroke of bad luck occurred. Macbeth was so surprised at meeting his childhood hero, that he fired a round off that, alas, hit Mr. Scarlet in the third toe of his left foot. He collapsed over in agony and died a hero's death. Now Siward sent his own son to have a go at Macbeth. Macbeth, having run out of ammo for his arsenal of guns, had to use sword, and after a predictably even battle, lopped off the young man's head.  
  
Macduff was feeling pleased with himself. Not only had he wiped out legions of Macbeth's men with sword, he had also killed Macbeth's pet, a guerrilla gorilla. This lethal primate had killed many men, and was working up to his bonus of extra bananas. Macduff wandered round the battlefield, looking for Macbeth. He couldn't find him but Siward told him that the castle had been surrendered.  
  
"Come on you cowardly fool, face me like a man." Macduff called out across the battlefield. Macbeth answered back, "No-one born in a routine delivery can harm me, such is the will of God. Don't waste your time." "Ah, but good Sir, I was born in America. The smoothest delivery ever seen was my birth. You have met your doom." With that Macbeth launched himself into the duel, but he knew he would not be humbled so he must die. After a classic battle, the end was somewhat anti-climatic. Macbeth tripped over his shoelaces, and fell on the floor. Macduff went up to him and knocked him out. He then took out his son's sword, (for his son was a noted young fighter), and chopped off Macbeth's head.  
  
Malcolm, Siward and the other Directors of Microsoft and Supersoft gathered at the gate of Dunsinane house. Siward was told his son was dead, but he was not too perturbed, as he was never that keen on him. Macduff approached with Macbeth's head, and Malcolm was announced Chairman of SuperSoft. Malcolm and Macduff cleaned up the mess and Siward sorted the matter out with the police.  
  
In due time SuperSoft merged with Microsoft, to create the largest entity in the universe. They crushed Oscorp and Donalbain who was curiously forgotten about. Eventually the line of big-nosed and big-eared chairmen came when Fleance was named successor. All the prophecies had been fulfilled and the fortune-tellers retired to a luxury beach-condo. 


End file.
